August 9, 2016

My Transfer Story: How I Moved On (Sort Of)

This post has been sitting in my drafts folder for some time because I wasn't sure if I could bring myself to publish it. I wasn't sure if I could even write it because I didn't want to relive certain things and remember certain feelings because I'm so much happier now. I managed to write it, and decided  to post it, because there has to be at least one other person out there who feels the same as I do and who might benefit from reading this. So, here goes.


Even though it's been over a year since I transferred schools, I feel like I'm still asking myself if I made the right decision. There's what I know and there's what I don't know (the what ifs?). I know that if I hadn't transferred when I did, I would not have been able to spend as much time with a sick loved one as I did, infinitely more important than where I get my education. I know that I probably wouldn't have the job and certain resources available to me that I do right now. I don't know when/if I would have had my "epiphany" (I had this realization last May of what I'm supposed to do with my life... maybe a future post. Update: I wrote it. ) or what I would be studying. But what if I had stayed? I think, in retrospect, that I transferred prematurely. I was so blinded by sadness and, overwhelmingly, disappointment that I wrongly attached my emotions to the university and not "college" as a general thing.

No, I wasn't homesick. No, I didn't regret the decision I'd made to attend that school. I was just unhappy and didn't know why. Now I know that college just isn't for me, and that's okay. Everyone said that college would be the best four years of my life, and I believed them. After just a few months, I wanted it to be over and done with. I couldn't tell you what I expected college to be, but whatever those expectations were, they were not met, and the depression sort of just happened. It was scary and not something I want to talk about or think about, but I will acknowledge that spring semester was much better for me mental health-wise than was fall semester.

I know that I'm way in the minority because it seems that everyone around me is loving college, and I just don't. This is not to say that I'm unhappy, or perpetually dissatisfied, because that is definitely not the case. I'm enjoying life in Miami, exploring new places and, let's be real, restaurants to brunch at ;), and I'm loving my university's curriculum and all of its resources and opportunities. I'm okay. Better than okay, I promise. But back to the what ifs?, or what I would categorize as FOMO.

There was not a day that went by my fall semester of my sophomore year that I didn't think about the City. It was to the point that several family members suggested that I transfer back, which I made clear was not an option. My best friend and another close friend still attend my former school, so it's hard for me sometimes, seeing their snaps and knowing that they're enjoying everything that going to school in the world's greatest city brings... without me. I prayed in earnest, asking God to help me to let it go, to live my life and stop carrying around all the what ifs? with me. I still have those days—one of them inspired me to write this—but they're less frequent now. On these days of doubt, I ask myself a million questions. What would I be doing right now if I was in New York? Where would I be working? What new places would I be discovering? 

If you had told me as a senior in high school where I'd be right now, I would have laughed and never believed you. I was so excited to go away to college, to move out of Florida—I did not send in an application to a single state school when I was applying to colleges— and when I found myself so depressed by the reality of college, I didn't know what to do or where to go. In the end, I went in a direction I would have never expected. What makes it okay, and what keeps me from dwelling, is that God made the choice for me. He knew that I needed to be here, for family reasons, for personal reasons, for all the reasons I could not see. And I'm going to trust Him to get me through the next three semesters just as He's gotten me through the first four. 

2 comments

  1. Hey girl! I definitely understand what you mean by "what ifs" but if you were unhappy at the time, then it was definitely the best choice to transfer. It's easy to see the grass being greener on the other side, but if you were still there, you would in all likelihood still be unhappy. You have a ton of time left in college, and hopefully after being at your new school for a while you have new friends and you've found your routine. It will get better, I promise! When graduation rolls around I bet you'll like it and even miss it when you're done :)

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    1. I hope so! I have this gut feeling that my second-to-last fall semester is going to be a good one. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and to leave me such a sweet comment :)

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